Women
I have issues with women.
Why? Because I'm a man. That just seems to be the nature of things.
Okay, it's more complicated than that, but as I think about all the different guys I know they all have issues. They explain them in various ways (if they're aware of them at all), but the fact of having issues with women is so universal among men that I'm tempted to call it instinctual. I don't because all the issues seem to be rooted in the interaction of self and culture (ego) rather than directly in self.
I hope. Because I've never been great at relationships of any type, even lasting friendships. And women are too important a part of my life for me to walk around thinking foul-ups in this area are my fault.
Fighting the urge to drift into psychobabble, women are so important to guys like me because:
1.Sex. As organisms, carriers of the genome, our job is to reproduce with organisms that represent complementary genomes…a bullshit method of saying we automatically want to fuck. That's biology and I can't apologize for it, but I can recognize there's more than one way to balm the perpetual itch.
2.Synergy. When I'm in a satisfying relationship I do things differently because the relationship makes it possible. Pluses and minuses here because when the relationship isn't working the synergy drains instead of sustains, and any damage caused may be irreversible. Trust me.
(Again, not a perfect description. I want descriptions that recognize and distinguish that which is a repercussion of physical structure and that which is a repercussion of the meaning we infuse in those structures. But I don't want to be too airy-fairy about it…I want it recognizable.)
The body has order, structure that imposes requirements but it has no intelligence. The only way it knows it's gotten what it needs is by receiving the sensory input it 'expects' when its needs are met. So, for example, masturbation can quiet the physical need for sex. Mentally, though, we need methods that are compatible with the meanings we've attached to our physical requirements. We gotta do what "real men" do. Conversely, we have to feel what we do is what "real men" do.
Interestingly enough, if you flip the sexuality in the last two sentences, all the above applies equally well to women. If you vary the gender it fits gay folks as well. Fitting, given that we're all one species.
Anyway, fulfilling the sex thing is pretty straightforward. The synergy thing is where it gets interesting. It's essentially a division of labor and physically any number of arrangements could satisfy our essential human needs. But we are not essential humans; we've been sculpted by the elements, changed by time and events. Our experiences direct our attention to certain areas and activities, and we express our selves in terms of the potentials of those areas. We see our sexuality in terms of these potentials as well. Some of us find sufficient synergy in confirmation of our maleness, whatever that means in the realms in which we live. Others have a view of themselves that, translated back to physical reality, they cannot support. They look for mates that (at best) balance or (at worst) support them so their self image can be sustained. Race and class issues come into play. Some few see the relationship as a vehicle for growth…interesting because they must seek conflicts to surmount. There are those who see it as an activity that lasts as long as it provides greater benefit than cost. To some, the particular selection of a mate is an indicator of the station one has attained…Donald Trump come to mind. And we seek sex and synergy that meets the needs of these, and many, many other, restrictions.
Simply put, we want relationships that give us the benefits we're looking for without making us do anything different.
As a result, we got issues.
Posted by P6 at June 5, 2004 01:26 PM
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Comments
I work at an all male residential treatment facility. All of my clients have issues with women. I just tell them to take a rolled up pair of socks, a little vegitable oil, 15 seconds in the microwave and Wala! issue solved for now!
Of course, the truth is that we are as much healed by relationships as we are scared by relationships. It's always a fun dance, one that requires us to devise new steps, sometimes on the spot, to keep up with our partners, regardless of the nature of our relationship with them.
Posted by Rook at June 5, 2004 02:18 PMI think that people have issues with one another. Yes women have issues with men, men with women - basically we all have issues....but there are certain issues and baggage that are more tolerable then others.
I am in the same boat as you. I suck at relationships (though perhaps I am just meeting the wrong men - self punishment?) and long terms friendships are tricky.
Sex is easy - Synergy is not. I miss that connection with someone, the "click" , the closeness...very hard to find - more so the older i get...
I am enjoying your essays, by the way..thanks!