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Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC�With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.

"This piece of legislation is essential, both for more efficient implementation of the New American Ideal and to give law enforcement the broad discretionary powers necessary to enforce certain vital civil and behavioral mandates," said U.S. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), addressing an empty press room Sunday, midway through game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals. "We are confident that Americans will embrace this law, should they eventually realize it has been passed."

H.R. 2395 was introduced to Congress on May 15 during the fourth quarter of the San Antonio Spurs' 110-82 victory over the defending-champion Los Angeles Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference semifinals.

… The controversial additions might have threatened the law's passage, had they not been made during the closing minutes of the Dallas Mavericks' thrilling 112-99 come-from-behind win over the Sacramento Kings in game seven of their series.

"The First Amendment will still protect almost all of the forms of expression that it always has," said Biden, who will assume his new duties as Commandant Of The Greater West on June 1.