Do not make the mistake of thinking that because my conclusion is the same as another person's that my reasoning is the same
There are things I feel I understand about being reasonably successful in the USofA that I now find difficult to put into words. I've been reviewing some of my old notes and writings, trying to recapture the sense of what I needed to learn and how I learned it back in the day.
I found a letter I wrote to myself at the time my days in Corporate America came to an end. It started out as a rant but rapidly became an analysis; an unfortunate tendancy my writings had at the time. By the end of the letter, I had decided what was and wasn't acceptable to me.
Nowadays I have more trust in my gut feelings. Not that my gut has earned it or anything like that.
Anyway, the decision to post the letter comes from my trusted, untrustworthy gut. And critical points that I "as a strong Black man" learned are rendered bold.
The situation as of this writing is… I had accrued much respect in the company. Then the person above me fucked up large, and was replaced by a little Italian guy who knows nothing about the business (that assessment isn't bitterness… he admits it by bringing a particular guy who's been around but is so whipped he publically states he'll do anything to hang around for his last six years before retirement to every meeting to explain to him what's going on). The LIG seems to be mandated to cut heads.
I get the feeling he looked at me and immediately decided he has a friend who could do my job better than I can. He took a couple of shots at me personally and found no vulnerabilities. But he chose to made the whipped guy manager of a high profile project that was slated for me, and his first wave of layoffs came from my section exclusively. This included a woman who was a 15 year employee, an officer of the bank and a good friend of mine prior to my taking over her section, but he decided she had to go before she reported to me so that wasn't an attack, just a heartfelt loss. Something I couldn't prevent.
I want to report all the things I felt outrage over, but I won't.
The reaction from the crowd is amusing, actually. But as I sit here writing and thinking, I believe that reaction was driven by mine. I was ANGRY. Angry is too weak a word, in fact. This is an error. It leaks energy, power, from my reserves, and others feed on it. I've been talking about getting my meditation going again for years, cutting out smoking, such as that. My body would certainly apreciate it, but I find myself considering it as a means of gathering my personal force… sucking it in so I can let it out in proper order. And what's interesting about that is that it indicates this worldly thing is more important to me than my health, no matter what I say or philosophize about. Hm. Is that sane?
The guy up one level from him knows what I can do, what I have done, for the company, and is allowing it, it seems. This angers me too. He had said to my previous manager (I can't recall that last time he spoke to a male other than to give a directive in the last year) that I was the easiest AVP nomination he'd ever presented. My successes, and more, my lack of failures don't seem to matter.
Now, this is probably a pretty common story. I can picture a white guy saying all the same things. Saying that makes a difference, truly. If it's racism, I'm dead… but I could be dead for other reasons, too. Don't matter… dead is dead, so I have to move.
I have made brilliant predictions about what would happen in the company and got blindsided in my personal case, basically because I made an erroneous assumption… that the need of the company (which, at this point, is vast) would be a greater factor than… what? Again, this changes in mid-sentance. What I thought was that since I could do exactly what was needed better than anyone else available, I had it like that. Blinded by arrogance because I hadn't any real competition, I stumbled when the game ended and the playing field changed. More, since I was seen as part of my previous manager's staff, I'm absolutely unaligned politically… a rogue state. And my relationship with several folks at the head office made me much like a terrorist state in the eyes of some.
And the game continues to change. At the same time all this started, the president of the company announced he was taking an early retirement at the end of the year. The president's replacement is doing what we thoughtthe present prez would do… shaking the hell out of everyone. The guy above the LIG is moving onto a five-man maganagement comittee, culled from a 13 man committee. There's no way to mention all the players, but suffice to say that the likely successor to the guy two levels up has extended an invitation to join her chain of command in essentially the lowest position. The original invitation was far more flexible, but she was told to change it… and given that she's connected and intends to stay connected she ain't gonna defy them for li'l ol' me. The guy I'll report to is someone everyone would like to be rid of. I suspect New Year's Day will bring a whole new structure to the company…
The chaos is incredible, and I'm under intense scrutiny… and stress.
Frankly, if I'm as good as all the above crap says I think I am, I oughta be able to deal. But I have to watch my sense of self. If I make it work, I suspect I will have lost some sensitivity toward others in the process.This is the point at which one either accepts the rules of the heirarchy and one's position in it (which doesn't rule out moving in the heirarchy) or doesn't. It's what the crew calls 'selling out" and what Black Conservatives call "buying in"… in either case, one's soul is usually the currency.
I'm leaving that there because that's what it feels like. A Buddhist would tell me I'm clinging to forms, that I bind myself by my attachments. A typical Euro would say "What the fuck are you talking about?" The damage I took was to pride, and to an area that simply isn't a concern to more Euros. Pride or shame simply don't apply to the decision of whether or not to adapting to the heirarchy. They apply to one's skill at climbing, and any climbing technique is acceptable.
But I was proud, am proud, of the progress I made as a ronin.
damn, and that was the environment you used to work in? sounds like the screwtape letters.
you know i just talked to a friend from my old job which was the first place, ever, that asked me to be a manager--up until then i had been pretty much a peon. so i ended up resigning in anger because the new managing director was, in my estimation, a psycho. now i'm hearing stories from my friend that she isn't a psycho after all--she in fact suffers from bipolar disorder that is completely untreated. so in essence i was vindicated in assessing the situation as no-win at the time, although i can only be sad about it to hear of it.
you sound to me like someone who knows where and who they are, and somehow manages to do it with his emotional self intact--can i just say how rare and valuable that is in this day and age? my good fortune to be able to read about it. thanks.
Thanks. I probably should have fixed the typos before posting that.