Debtor Nation
An angry hacker complains that debt-saddled Americans don t have identities worth stealing.
WEB-EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY
By Andy Borowitz

April 26 - An identity thief who has stolen over half a million identities over the past two years returned all but four of them today, declaring the identities "totally worthless" and "an enormous waste of my time and hard work."

The computer hacker, who spoke to reporters via conference call today, said that "in all my years of stealing identities, I have never come across a bigger collection of losers."

He said that he had spent months hacking through the security firewall of one of the nation's largest financial institutions, hoping to reap billions of dollars for his efforts, but after sifting through the stolen identities he found that they were "little more than a garbage dump of unpaid college loans and overdue Blockbuster bills."

"Everybody's running around worried about identity theft these days," he added. "All I can say is,  Don't flatter yourself by thinking you have an identity that's worth my time. "