Abort Every White Baby!
by Justin Felux

Bill Bennett, a prominent right-wing blowhard, has recently come under intense fire for remarks made on his radio show, in which he stated, "I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could ... abort every black baby in this country."  He quickly backed away from the proposition, saying "That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down."  It's unfortunate that Bennett chose to be so politically correct, because I think he may be onto something here.  He's just wrong about the target.  If we really wanna get tough on crime, it's the white babies who should start getting the coat hanger treatment.

...Consider the fact that whites commit three times as many violent crimes as blacks every year, just in raw numbers.  This is just for ordinary "street crimes" such as assault.  The numbers become skewed out of this world when you consider "white-collar" crimes (typically, the collar isn't the only thing that's white).

...Which brings me to my next point:  even if a white guy isn't wearing a suit, you still shouldn't assume that he isn't dangerous.  One can find a plethora of deadly and pathological behaviors uniquely prevalent among whites who look just as ordinary as you and me.  Most notable among them are spree killing, serial murder, and cannibalism.  About 90% of all serial killers are white men.  Some other white pastimes include animal torture, vampirism, Satan worship, witchcraft, self-mutilation, eating disorders, and child sexual molestation.  White men engage in child sexual abuse at twice the rate of black men.  By aborting all the white babies, we will be protecting a great many children from the horror of enduring abuse at the hands of white male sex perverts (pardon the redundancy), in addition to preventing the creation of new white molesters in the future.

Alas, even if we allowed white fetuses to continue living, and they manage to avoid the pitfalls of vampirism, corporate employment, and serial murder, the odds are still pretty good that they will turn out to be hopeless drunks.  Whites are 74% more likely than blacks to binge drink regularly. In fact, there are more binge drinking whites than there are blacks in the entire population of the country!  Naturally, whites are twice as likely as blacks to drive drunk, resulting in over ten thousand deaths every year. The same trend can be seen when considering drug use in general, contrary to popular belief.  Whites make up 74% of illegal drug users, whereas only 14% are black.  Whites make up a majority of drug dealers as well.

Given all of these facts, can there be any doubt that aborting every white baby would not only reduce the crime rate, but would also result in a much safer, cleaner, and happier existence for all Americans?