I feel that a sizable number of black people ignore their essence not only for acceptance, but to subdue and kill a hated "spirit". That black spirit, that essence which for decades have been denegrated as a sub-culture of sub-humans by white supremists. The "nigger bop" of niggers if you will. Reviled yet loved by the majority. Reviled yet loved by the minority. I remember asking my black grandmother (father's side) in church at age 9 why Jesus is the only white man in this all black church. My grandmother replied, "Nothing that pure and that good could be black". So I went to church believing that nasty, underworld, black people worshipping the almighty white and right Jesus is the way of things. My essence: self-hatred and self-loathing. My own black grandmother, perpetuating self-hatred, like her parents did, and so on and so forth. Essence. I remember going to family reunions and watching racial stratification there. The light-skinned blacks taking all the planning and leadership positions while the dark-skinned blacks did all the cooking and cleaning. Watching the arguments break out. The charged language. The eventual fights. Guarded looks. Distrust. The tears. All in the black family. The late night spade games with cousins. Bragging and teasing. But love in the air. Watching my white and black grandmothers sit on the porch and argue who made the best pecan pie. Seeing my mother's sadness and my father's anger as I was dragged away to juvenile detention. Gang fights. Cutting some rival across his face and hearing his screams. Livin' it up with the homeboys. Almost dying myself in some abandoned warehouse after being stabbed. Seeing two middle aged men, one black and one white, looking over me. Telling me to hang in there. Your going to make it. Becoming weaker. Crying and saying that I didn't want to die although I lived to die. Revelation. 180 degrees. New path. Stronger person. My essence.

My black experience makes me extra sensitive to corporate America's love of offshoring American jobs and the people it impacts. ALL PEOPLE. When I see that former white project manager who used to make $75K a year reduced to selling movie tickets and the local cineplex, I feel depressed and yet I feel a kinship. I feel that he/she is now feeling what I always felt in life: a disassociation with the American dream since America is the one kicking you in the ass. That's why I blog "black".

1. what does it mean to be white?

It means being disenfranchised on the question of race. As a white man, I am not allowed to have an opinion that is at odds with acquiescence to a minority, or I am a bully. By having white skin and a couple of testicles, I am presumed to not be capable of understanding the position of people who lack one of those two qualifications.

It also means being saddled with the sins of people who were gone a long time before I showed up. Because I am presumed to have some sort of advantage (which sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't) I am the focus of anger from other people for things that I have never done.

Chris Rock coined the phrase "Born a Suspect". Being white means being "Born a Bigot".

4. how has whiteness affected your experience with authority?

For one, I recognize that I can get away with things that black people can't. I don't have any illusions about that. I don't think that this is a problem of racism; I think it is a problem of the black culture. I don't think there is any significant number of cops who believe in the genetic superiority of one race over another, but there are plenty who know that a white guy is less likely to be poppin caps for tha bling bling and keepin it real.

It did, though, have a big impact on my childhood. There was always a cloud hanging over any interaction between a white authority figure and me. It was always under a microscope, and any intangible (like being a polite student, or no history of major problems) was discounted for fear that it would be perceived as some sort of race preference.