Sheelzebub, she-demon extraordinaire, admires the handiwork of a distant relative

Well, I must say, this is wonderful news. There's nothing like a bunch of rabid ideologues to make things interesting during this silly, namby-pamby season of fake cheer and pseudo-goodwill.

Emboldened by their Election Day successes, some Christian conservatives around the country are trying to put more Christ into Christmas this season.

In Terrebonne Parish, La., an organization is petitioning to add "Merry Christmas" to the red-lighted "Season's Greetings" sign on the main government building and is selling yard signs that read, "We believe in God. Merry Christmas." And a Raleigh, N.C., church recently paid $7,600 for a full-page newspaper ad urging Christians to spend their money only with merchants who include the greeting "Merry Christmas" in ads and displays.

This is, of course, fantastic. Hey, the more they tell people to buy things, the better to attain our New Manifest Destiny, where we expand our great nation by using all of our old stuff to reclaim land.

I mean, sheesh, here I was breaking a sweat at first. Good Lord, you hear "Christian" and you think "Jesus" and then you think, "Oh, that pinko hippie who gave to the poor and showed mercy and all that crap." You know. That guy--the one who, if he was alive today, would dither on and on and on about poverty and injustice and violence and war. I have to tell you, it's a good thing that Jesus dude is dead--if he were alive today, he'd be as festive as a dead cactus.