Quote of note:

And we look at such people and we shake our heads and sigh, trying to understand how excruciating it must be to go through life feeling as though you're stuck like a pinned bug to a perverted universe that can't be trusted, one that they desperately hope will be over real soon now, just like the "Left Behind" books promise, so they can forget how miserable and lost and distressed they feel and so they may finally leave their not-so-secret homosexual fantasies behind and drive their big manly SUVs to the Promised Land.

SpongeBob, Evil Gay Heathen
How sad to be a right-wing Christian in a world full of homo cartoons and scary nipples
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, January 26, 2005

And oh my God, you think, how these people's lives must be one screaming firehose of inexorable, nipple-torquing, kidney-stabbing pain. I mean, really.

Because then you read about how James Dobson, the cute little founder of the cute little ultraconservative rabidly Christian happily neo-homophobic Focus on the Family, actually stood up and proclaimed, to the media, to the world, with a straight face, with no sense of irony or shuddering humiliation or an overpowering sense that he was, in fact, contributing quite nicely to the overall violent oatmealy ignorance of the planet, came right out and announced that the wildly popular and much-loved SpongeBob Squarepants cartoon character is, actually and truly, probably gay.

And therefore, of course, SpongeBob is a dire threat to all childrenkind and must be avoided at all costs lest the wee ones watch the cartoons and become overwhelmed with a mad desire to wax their chests and buy a new Miata and drink cocktails made with lemonade. More or less.

And why? Why is the adorable yellow sea sponge suddenly considered to be contributing to the mental and spiritual and genital degradation of millions of innocent children? Because he's a hyperactive none-too-bright short-attention-spanned spazzball of lovable non-sequiturial nonsense who induces rabid devotion among children and gay men and straight adults alike? Why, no. Not quite.

It's because the frantically animated sea creature is now appearing, alongside noted pagan cartoon perverts Barney the Dinosaur and Winnie-the-Pooh and the Rugrats and Bob the Builder, in a nonprofit video sent to 60,000 schools and designed to promote that vile demon called, ahem, tolerance. And diversity.

(Our fair SpongeBob was singled out, by the way, because of his noted popularity with gay men, perhaps given his propensity for flamboyant exuberance and a love of show tunes and his very gayly named pet snail, Gary. Or something).