Black is the new gay

Martin Peretz
The New Republic

Dear Mr. Peretz,

I was very surprised when you implied on the Hugh Hewitt show that you do not want the Democrats to retake congress because you're "appalled by some of the people who would become head of Congressional committees." Who might those Democrats be, I wondered, who would be so loathsome, that they would cause the publisher of the New Republic to root for the Republicans in November?

Then yesterday, after I read your piece attacking Ned Lamont for integrating his campaign, the answer occurred to me. You were referring to the five brown Congresspeople (Rangel, Conyers, Millender-McDonald, Thompson, and Velázquez) who are in line to become committee chairs when the Democrats take the House. The thought of brown people with that much power scares the living hell out of you.

I don't blame you. Pigmentation is scary. Who knows what those brown Congresspeople will do if they get to be committee chairs. We might even be forced to take them seriously.

We must stop them. The election's only a few months away, so we'll need to begin warning people right away. But how do we do it? An article in your magazine probably wouldn't be very effective--I'm sure your subscribers (Al From, Marshall Whitman, and Joe Lieberman) are already aware of problem. We'll need to do something big.

How about making a movie about it? Michael Moore and Al Gore used film very effectively to promote their seditious ideas to the public. We could do the same. Of course, we don't have enough time to do it from scratch, so we'll have to use stock footage and edit it quickly.

Wait. We won't have to do anything. DW Griffith's Birth of a Nation would be almost perfect as is. All we'd need to do is add a Toby Keith soundtrack. And the scene where all the brown reconstruction-era legislators are eating fried chicken, drinking whiskey, and leering at white women in the House Gallery would make a great trailer and poster--people wouldn't even need to see the film to get our message.

All we'll need is a little promotional money. A couple of million should be enough. Could you ask your wife for it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot