Imagine that I were to recruit (I being J. Cobb Yoedaddy, bazillionaire founder of the [Old School] American Fellowship Institute & political eminence grise) Clarence Thomas to provide a study on the drug habits of white America. I pick Thomas because of his sharp intellect and because of his credentials as an independent thinker. I send Thomas to East Texas, South Indiana, parts of Oklahoma and Arkansas. I send him to South Boston, the Florida Panhandle and Appalachia. He goes there as well as Madison, Boise, Spokane, Providence, Bangor, Rochester, Sacramento and Boulder. All places he's never been before, all places with all sorts of whitefolks on all kinds of drugs.

Two years and 500 pages later he comes up with a stunning indictment of white culture and his own prescriptions. All of his evidence points to the fact that there is a huge problem with drugs in America and that if you look closely enough at white youth, you will find that they have maintained all across the country some culturally specific weaknesses that replicates the problem of addiction over and over and over. In fact, it is not just a stereotype that white fraternities and sororities binge drink themselves into oblivion, it is a scientifically demonstrable statistical inevitability. It's not just a racist joke that white kids are Meth-heads. There is no PC conspiracy to force them to pierce their tongues, wear flannel and tattoo their bodies. They have volunteered to drop out of society into a counterculture of degeneracy. Their families have imploded and they turn to Unsafe Sex, Illicit Drugs & Loud Obscene Music to foolishly compensate for this horrible, horrible failure in the home. Mr. Thomas is, in this matter, an unimpeachable source. He is simply outraged, and so should you be Mr. White America.

We thoughtful folks at the American Fellowship Institute have provided the proof. We didn't realize that white Americans were so pathetic and destitute. Don't they realize that their own youth are dying needlessly? Don't they understand why drugs are illegal? What is so wrong with white people that they don't recognize that we are trying to help, and why are they saying nasty things about Clarence Thomas?

Get off your lazy white asses and do something before you self-destruct, and take us with you! Oh, by the way, we're backing political candidates who back the Thomas Plan, and you will hear about the Thomas Scenario anytime white issues are discussed. Just doing our patriotic bit you know.